Being treated poorly.
Unfortunately, this happens to all of us at points along our path. With all of our various experiences, our exciting time and quiet times, there will be people who come along and offer value, accept what we have to offer in return, then do not take care of their part.
This individual, most often is not aware they are a user. They term it as “I don’t owe you anything” or “We didn’t agree to this or that”, but underlying this is a social obligation which wasn’t fulfilled or wasn’t communicated clearly. They figured they won what they wanted. They looked to see how much they could get out of you before you stopped.
This can be an individual, but it can also be a group, a religion or any organization. They offer something, you give your part, and they don’t. You give more. They still don’t.
Funny thing is it has nothing to do with you. You didn’t do anything wrong or right. You were just the next person on their path who had something they wanted.
There is no shame in being used.
In the process of being kind and giving it will happen. You will err on the side of generosity, and the other will err on the side of gain. It’s part of learning to manage yourself, and your own energy and resources.
There are times when we really want to hear words of support, so we take something that was said, something just inferred, as confirmation of care, or an arrangement, or reciprocity. It is not. If you are dealing with a user then they are careful with their words. They will imply care, while not stating anything clearly. They will state what they have to offer, without actually offering it.
Listen and watch carefully. Think clearly. Not to see if you can extract a meaning you would like, but instead to really understand intent. Silence is not agreement. Stating your own preference and getting a reply of silence is not agreement to your preference.
The wheel of personal growth spins here: to experience without manipulating someone into giving what they haven’t willingly agreed to, nor being tricked into giving what you haven’t offered. Be in control of your own self. Use social etiquette and kindness to see clearly what is being experienced.
Let each person be on their own path. Your path is not theirs. It’s not your job to teach someone else how to be a better human. Your desires may not be theirs and it’s not your place to make anyone do anything, or to manipulate a situation to make someone else feel obligated to give you something. Even if you believe it’s for their benefit. It’s not your place to punish and reward, or to socially scar someone because they treated you poorly.
We never own another person. To be our highest and most expansive selves, and offer experiences that inspire that in others, is a beautiful thing, but other people’s life rules are not ours to dictate or lay down or declare as truth.
So what to do when you’ve been treated poorly?
So what to do if you’ve found yourself in that place?
There’s no shame in being treated poorly. The big decisions come when it finally hits you that you’ve been used.
Here’s the wheel of mourning when you realize you have lost something you care for: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
Grief is the loss of something or someone. When you realize you’ve been mistreated you have lost a relationship you thought you had. You trusted it even if it was just in your mind. You believed it so it was real for you. Even if you deceived yourself into thinking someone else cared, when you realize they do not you grieve the loss of what you believe you had.
Feeling each stage helps move to the next more quickly. Don’t pretend you don’t feel something. Learn. Feel. Then ideas will come to you. That’s when you get to learn how you got yourself on this path, and how to remove yourself and find a path that’s more fun.
It happens to all of us. Truly.
There are so many paths and so many beautiful experiences and kind people. Be thankful for what you learned and find an experience that matches who you are.
Turn towards what you really want, and you automatically are turned away from what you don’t want.
Fly Away (Parasites)